Name: _____________________
A Modest Proposal: A Persuasive
Essay
For first,
as I have already observed, it would greatly lessen the number of Papists, with
whom we are yearly overrun, being the principal breeders of the nation as well
as our most dangerous enemies; and who stay at home on purpose to deliver the
kingdom to the Pretender, hoping to take their advantage by the absence of so
many good Protestants, who have chosen rather to leave their country than stay
at home and pay tithes against their conscience to an Episcopal curate.
Summary of argument:
Secondly,
the poorer tenants will have something valuable of their own, which by law may
be made liable to distress and help to pay their landlord’s rent, their corn
and cattle being already seized and money a thing unknown.
Summary of argument:
Thirdly,
whereas the maintenance of an hundred thousand children, from two years old and
upwards, cannot be computed
at less than ten shillings a piece per annum,
the nation’s stock will be thereby increased
fifty thousand pounds per annum, besides the
profit of a new dish introduced to the tables
of all gentlemen of fortune in the kingdom who
have any refinement in taste. And the money
will circulate among ourselves, the goods
being entirely of our own growth and
manufacture.
Summary of argument:
Fourthly, the constant
breeders, besides the gain of eight shillings sterling per annum by the sale of
their children, will be rid of the charge of maintaining them after the first
year.
Summary of argument:
Fifthly, this food
would likewise bring great custom to taverns, where the vintners will certainly
be so prudent as to procure the best receipts for dressing it to perfection,
and consequently have their houses frequented by all the fine gentlemen, who
justly value themselves upon their knowledge in good eating; and a skillful
cook, who understands how to oblige his guests, will contrive to make it as
expensive as they please.
Summary of argument:
Sixthly, this would be
a great inducement to marriage, which all wise nations have either encouraged
by rewards or enforced by laws and penalties. It would increase the care and
tenderness of mothers toward their children, when they were sure of a
settlement for life to the poor babes, provided in some sort by the public, to
their annual profit instead of expense. We should see an honest emulation among
the married women, which of them could bring the fattest child to the market.
Men would become as fond of their wives during the time of their pregnancy as
they are now of their mares in foal, their cows in calf, or sows when they are
ready to farrow; nor offer to beat or kick them (as is too frequent a practice)
for fear of a miscarriage.
Summary of argument:
I can think of no one objection that will possibly be raised
against this proposal, unless it should be urged that the number of people will
be thereby much lessened in the kingdom. This I freely own, and it was indeed
one principal design in offering it to the world. I desire the reader will
observe, that I calculate my remedy for this one individual kingdom of Ireland
and for no other that ever was, is, or I think ever can be upon earth.
Counterargument:
Rebuttal:
After all, I am not so
violently bent upon my own opinion as to reject any offer proposed by
wise men, which shall be found equally innocent, cheap, easy, and effectual.
But before something of that kind shall be advanced in contradiction to my
scheme, and offering a better, I desire the author or authors will be pleased
maturely to consider two points. First, as things now stand, how they will be
able to find food and raiment for an hundred thousand useless mouths and backs.
And secondly, there being a round million of creatures in human figure throughout
this kingdom, whose sole subsistence put into a common stock would leave them
in debt two millions of pounds sterling, adding those who are beggars by
profession to the bulk of farmers, cottagers, and laborers, with their wives
and children who are beggars in effect; I desire those politicians who dislike
my overture, and may perhaps be so bold to attempt an answer, that they will
first ask the parents of these mortals whether they would not at this day think
it a great happiness to have been sold for food at a year old in the manner I
prescribe, and thereby have avoided such a perpetual scene of misfortunes as
they have since gone through by the oppression of landlords, the common
sustenance, with neither house nor clothes to cover them from the inclemencies
of the weather, and the most inevitable prospect of entailing the like or
greater miseries upon their breed forever.
Counterargument:
Rebuttal:
I profess, in the sincerity of my heart, that I have not the least
personal interest in endeavoring to promote this necessary work, having no
other motive than the public good of my country, by giving some pleasure to the
rich. I have no children by which I
can propose to get a single penny; the youngest being nine years old,
and my wife past childbearing.
Final “nail in
the coffin”: